Why do I punish myself?

It was Monday night. The night of all the season finales. Yet due to some strange aversion to "The New Adventures of Old Christine" I find my self channel surfing. Channel surfing is always a bad idea for me because I usually get sucked in to the little giant ladder infomercial or some terrible movie. This night it was the latter.

The Station was OLN (Outdoor Life Network) which is usually pretty safe. But tonight they were playing a 1986 movie called "Youngblood." I must admit, it was Seeing Rob Lowe with a tooth missing that set the hook and had me say OOH, this could be good! I couldn't have been more wrong. Now I grew up in the 80's and I cherish all the nostalgia as much as the next guy with a side-spike hair do. But I don't remember hockey being a sport with so few rules.

If you've never seen the movie, you've surely succeeded in avoiding much displeasure. But to keep you from being sucked in to the slow motion filming an rad 80's Casio keyboard beats, here's an overview of the film. Or at least the last 10 minutes of the film.

tuned in at the climax of the game, which was tied. Rob Lowe who played "Youngblood," a sort of fancy skating Nancy-Pansy, had taken a dive drawing a penalty shot with 3 seconds left in the game. It could have even been overtime for all I know.

The next scene was an assault on the senses as Youngblood danced about on the ice twirling and kicking the puck as he went (is that legal?). I'm sure you can imagine what the music sounded like during this montage. He fakes out opposing goalie (donning the timeless skull goalie mask) and scores a goal.

But Young blood still has a score to settle. With three seconds on the clock the coach tries to pull Youngblood from the game to keep him from getting beaten retarded, but he refuses saying "I'm not coming off. I won't do it."

I was about to change the channel when the coach readily agreed and added the comment "watch your stick!"

Watch your stick? What could that mean? I have to find out.

Another folly indeed.

As the ref drops the puck between Youngblood and his nemesis Racki, played by some bearded overzealous fool, they swat it away and continue staring each other down unmoving until the buzzer sounds.

I could have never imagined what would happen next. Racki and youngblood engaged in some sort of hockey stick sword fight. It looked more like poorly choreographed stick slapping, but it was a sword fight indeed. Complete with the staged ending where the good guy swats the sword (stick) out of the bad guys hands and then puts his sword (stick) to the others neck. But they decided to go with the extended ending. Racki, unashamed by his stick slapping performance, tells Youngblood where to stick his…stick.

Now this is the frustrating part where the good guy could just whack him in the throat and never have to deal with the hairy buffoon again, but instead decides to throw away his sword (stick) and his advantage along with it. Here's the exciting boxing scene–Yes!

No.

They stood like drunken old men with their hands fisted like Irishman. Shouting such menacing remarks as "Give me your best shot!" and "Come on Butthead!" Occasionally trying to punch each other, but with the aggression one would use in trying to remove an eyelash that has fallen on their lovers cheek.

Now keep in mind, the game is already over. Periodically they cut to show people in the audience like the coaches daughter who is also Youngblood's girlfriend, or the ref who's standing there watching the whole thing unfold.

After a few punches are thrown Racki goes down and the team proceeds to pick Youngblood up and carry him around the rink, with the help of the ref of course.

The movie ends with Youngblood standing on center ice after everyone left and the bloods been mopped up. As he's about to leave, a couple of 10 year old kids come out and tell him what a great job he did fighting. Never mind the game, that was just a footnote. The fight was what they came to see. I think one of them maybe even put some money down on him hoping to get a good return on the 26 to 1 odds.

Either way, you now have enough ammo to shoot down any request by your friends to rent youngblood.