Thursday, May 25, 2006

Our roads are full of Nazi's.

The Autobahn isn't the only road full of nazi's according to WWII propaganda posters. But does this message apply today? With oil prices at an all time high, and shortages on the horizon, it seems quite fitting. But who is Hitler (besides Bill Gates)? Is it the Oil companies? Is it the countries that export oil to us?

Whoever it is, they must be very pleased. As I drive to work in the morning (with my brother) I can't help but notice all the people driving alone.

I'm all for propaganda, and I often wonder if propaganda like this would have a place in modern society. Something that offends you and makes you feel guilt might have done well in the 40's, but how would it effect people today who simply don't-for lack of a better term– give a rats %#!*?

How would you feel driving down the highway in your Ford Excursion if you saw a billboard that said "When you ride alone, you ride with Osama Bin Laden."

Maybe you wouldn't think much of it. Maybe it would be better if it said "When you ride alone you behead a journalist."

Maybe the reason we don't see things like that is because we live in a society that doesn't want to accept blame. We would rather put it on the auto manufacturers to fix the world. It's certainly much easier than having to change the way we live.

It's up to you to form your opinion about the matter. I just want to see more propaganda.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Doggie Bag

Alright! Masters putting his shoes on. I wonder if I get to go with him? Maybe if I stand near him and give him puppy dog eyes he'll take me with. Yes–it worked. I wonder where we'll go? Maybe he'll take me to the meat packing factory again. Hey what's that? Why is he…no…wait…STOP. This isn't funny! I can't breathe. That's it! You better check your pillow tonight before you go to sleep, cause I'm planning on leaving mint on it.


The first one is just plain wrong, but this one seems pretty funny. I think if I had a stuffy corporate job (and I spoke German) I'd have to get one.

See the other products including manicured dishwashing gloves at:

Monday, May 22, 2006

Look out lady!!

I understand the need to let your consumers know that you carry big sizes, but this is a little much. I think we can all imagine the difference between small and 4XL, without imagining this poor petite, being devoured as a mid day snack.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Why do I punish myself?

It was Monday night. The night of all the season finales. Yet due to some strange aversion to "The New Adventures of Old Christine" I find my self channel surfing. Channel surfing is always a bad idea for me because I usually get sucked in to the little giant ladder infomercial or some terrible movie. This night it was the latter.

The Station was OLN (Outdoor Life Network) which is usually pretty safe. But tonight they were playing a 1986 movie called "Youngblood." I must admit, it was Seeing Rob Lowe with a tooth missing that set the hook and had me say OOH, this could be good! I couldn't have been more wrong. Now I grew up in the 80's and I cherish all the nostalgia as much as the next guy with a side-spike hair do. But I don't remember hockey being a sport with so few rules.

If you've never seen the movie, you've surely succeeded in avoiding much displeasure. But to keep you from being sucked in to the slow motion filming an rad 80's Casio keyboard beats, here's an overview of the film. Or at least the last 10 minutes of the film.

tuned in at the climax of the game, which was tied. Rob Lowe who played "Youngblood," a sort of fancy skating Nancy-Pansy, had taken a dive drawing a penalty shot with 3 seconds left in the game. It could have even been overtime for all I know.

The next scene was an assault on the senses as Youngblood danced about on the ice twirling and kicking the puck as he went (is that legal?). I'm sure you can imagine what the music sounded like during this montage. He fakes out opposing goalie (donning the timeless skull goalie mask) and scores a goal.

But Young blood still has a score to settle. With three seconds on the clock the coach tries to pull Youngblood from the game to keep him from getting beaten retarded, but he refuses saying "I'm not coming off. I won't do it."

I was about to change the channel when the coach readily agreed and added the comment "watch your stick!"

Watch your stick? What could that mean? I have to find out.

Another folly indeed.

As the ref drops the puck between Youngblood and his nemesis Racki, played by some bearded overzealous fool, they swat it away and continue staring each other down unmoving until the buzzer sounds.

I could have never imagined what would happen next. Racki and youngblood engaged in some sort of hockey stick sword fight. It looked more like poorly choreographed stick slapping, but it was a sword fight indeed. Complete with the staged ending where the good guy swats the sword (stick) out of the bad guys hands and then puts his sword (stick) to the others neck. But they decided to go with the extended ending. Racki, unashamed by his stick slapping performance, tells Youngblood where to stick his…stick.

Now this is the frustrating part where the good guy could just whack him in the throat and never have to deal with the hairy buffoon again, but instead decides to throw away his sword (stick) and his advantage along with it. Here's the exciting boxing scene–Yes!


They stood like drunken old men with their hands fisted like Irishman. Shouting such menacing remarks as "Give me your best shot!" and "Come on Butthead!" Occasionally trying to punch each other, but with the aggression one would use in trying to remove an eyelash that has fallen on their lovers cheek.

Now keep in mind, the game is already over. Periodically they cut to show people in the audience like the coaches daughter who is also Youngblood's girlfriend, or the ref who's standing there watching the whole thing unfold.

After a few punches are thrown Racki goes down and the team proceeds to pick Youngblood up and carry him around the rink, with the help of the ref of course.

The movie ends with Youngblood standing on center ice after everyone left and the bloods been mopped up. As he's about to leave, a couple of 10 year old kids come out and tell him what a great job he did fighting. Never mind the game, that was just a footnote. The fight was what they came to see. I think one of them maybe even put some money down on him hoping to get a good return on the 26 to 1 odds.

Either way, you now have enough ammo to shoot down any request by your friends to rent youngblood.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The Veggie Backlash…

I thought it only fair to share the other side of the Meat vs. Vegetable debate. I think the National Vegetarian Association's 1948 response to the meat posters explain their whole argument.

Reassurance for Meat lovers

Some of us meat eaters can't help but feel a little guilt sometimes for being, well, meat eaters. We see all the studies on how unhealthy it is for us, and how we can live longer if we'd just ban the bologna. There's an awful lot of pressure to make the switch what with all the mad cow running amuck. There's studies that link eating cooked meat to cancer, heart disease, obesity, and even gingivitis. It's an argument so powerful that one in three americans are practicing vegetarianism today. Okay, I made that up, but one of my three friends is a semi-vegetarian. He only eats hot-dogs.

I say it's time to let the american people know they aren't alone. I say we look our fellow meatetarians in the face and lie like car salesmen, to reassure each other that it's okay to like meat. It's time we forget about the so-called facts and figures. I'm sure all those studies were probably funded by carrot farmers anyway. Let's resurrect the pro-meat propaganda.

Some of you might say I don't have platform to stand on. But who needs a platform to stand on when we are flying high on a blimp made of Salisbury steak, chicken fried chicken and only the finest cuts of shoulder pork.

Walk down a suburban grocery isle and you'll find at lest a dozen phony meat products made from hey and seaweed. It's only natural that other foods would want to be as tasty as sausage and hamburgers–not that they ever could–but have you ever seen a carrot substitute made of hamburger? Probably not. If you have, shoot me an e-mail and let me know where I can get some.

We should learn a lesson from these 1947 American Meat Institute posters. That lesson is that meat can't be beat. You don't even have to cook it. But if you do, make sure you grill it in butter and pineapple juice and then simmer it in barbecue sauce.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Ahh, the first ever posting.

I'd like to preface this entry with an explanation of what you might find here. I am by no means a writer, in fact I question weather or not I want to live in a society where people who know as little about the English language as I can publish such nonsense.

Nevertheless, here I go.

Occasionally as I'm flipping through the channels I'll come across professional wrestling. Sometimes I do a sort of channel flipping double take as I ask my self did I really just see a 300 lb. sweaty guy wearing spandex make a stomping noise with his foot as he pretends to punch the other even sweatier guy wearing a mesh shirt? As I back track a few channels I am delighted to find out that there was a third guy in the corner with a pet squirrel on his shoulder throwing pine nuts at the referee.

Within 5 seconds of arriving back on that channel, my wife chimes in "CHANGE IT." I don't know how she does it. she could be in the garage and I'll still hear "CHANE IT". She seems to have a radar that goes off whenever professional wrestling is being viewed within a 3 block radius. That might account for the unexplained "pfffft" sounds she makes every once in a while.

Anyway, it got me thinking. Some of those old wrestlers seemed pretty cool to me when I was young. Take Hacksaw Jim Duggan for instance. You can't go wrong with this guy. I suppose anyone wearing purple spandex undies in public would have to be carrying a 2X4 so as not to get beat silly. But he still looked pretty mean anyway. I wonder how often he had to get a new 2X4? Do you think he was real particular, like weather it was really straight or if it had lots of knots?

Then there was George the Animal Steel. Do you think he had to reimburse the WWF for all the turnbuckles he ate?

With every old wrestler I thought about, a slew of new questions arose. I guess I'll just stick to watching SCRUBS.