A Time To Kill

Today is mandatory anti-discrimination and sexual harassment training day at the office. In the spirit of the festivities, I present to you some of the most discriminating, and harassing "real" ads I've come across as of my 26 years of meticulous searching. 

Those who discriminate against discrimination may find something more suitable to their tender sensibilities here.

The year was 1953, and nothing would send the average mild-mannered husband into a fit of homicidal rage like his ball and chain missing the post. Again.

Also from 1953 is this: a cheap kick in the metaphorical balls of woman everywhere. With the Alcoa HyTop Closure, made of pure aluminum, you don't need your husband to open the ketchup any more. Hopefully he's got more redeeming qualities than the unwavering ability to open condiments. 

This ad, and others made into postcard format is available in book form here.

So what is this ad from 1946 trying to say? Women are indecisive, try to squeeze into things that are too small, worry about someone else wearing the same outfit, and then after they finally chose something to buy, they end up bringing it back anyway?

I can't imagine a more incorrect generalization. I mean, honestly. I don't know a single woman who does any of those thing let alone all four. That's just uncalled for. 

I'd like to make a sarcastic comment about this ad from 1961, but as I'm the one that does nearly all the cooking in my household, I feel compelled to keep my musings to myself and in doing so, secure my place in bed next to my wife for another day.  

Wait, is this a blonde joke or a woman joke? In 1970, I'm guessing both. 

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. If that's the way he'll react to you not "store testing" coffee, I can't imagine what he'll do when he finds out that the cat isn't really at your sisters, and paprika wasn't really the secret ingredient in your new meat-loaf recipe. 

Ironically, looking at this ad makes me feel like taking a shower... 

...alone, scaldingly hot and with a variety of harsh chemical detergents. 

Yes. Yes it is. But I thought Tiger-babes were on the endangered species list. Apparently not in 1970.

Wait... there's more. check out the copy:

Though she was a tiger lady, our hero didn’t have to fire a shot to floor her. After one look at his Mr. Leggs slacks, she was ready to have him walk all over her. That noble styling sure soothes the savage heart! If you’d like your own doll-to-doll carpeting, hunt up a pair of these he-man Mr. Leggs slacks. Such as our new automatic wash wear blend of 65% “Dacron®” and 35% rayon–incomparably wrinkle-resistant. About $12.95 at plush-carpeted stores.

Well, now. Where might I get a pair of these?

Seriously? This got through? Nobody saw any reason why this might come across...well...ishy? Was R. Kelly the director of marketing at Love Cosmetics?

Consider this ad from the 1930's to be the great, great, great grandfather of the football-through-the-tire erectile dysfunction ad. 

Bioniccat

There have been lost of fun things done with cats lately like Action Cats and Laser Cats 1 and 2. Personally I like beating cats with a tire iron.

Here's one that came from an unlikely source. It's a website called stuffonmycat.com Here you'll find a plethora of nauseating images depicting cats with various objects on or above them. Great if you like cats.

There's few things I hate more than cats. To start, I'm allergic to them. Also, they are cold unfeeling morons that do little for society beyond the spreading of disease.

Maybe that's a little harsh. Cats probably have some good attributes. They seem pretty tolerant to people putting stuff on them.

But come on.

Who wants an animal that craps in a box in the corner of the laundry room?

Carzy people, that's who.

Everybody's known the crazy cat lady (get the action figure here)

Have you ever heard of the crazy dog guy?

No.

I say, if you can't use the can, take it outside.

And if if you have a cat, don't come near me when I'm fixing a flat.

Bacteria will suffer in silence no more.

For over a century now we've thought of bacteria as asocial, single celled organisms. Loners, renegades, rebelling against the oppression of "the man."

It turns out they are far from asocial. They talk with their own species in a special chemical language only they can comprehend. They are even multilingual, talking in a universal language that all bacteria can understand.

So what's the point?

Revenge. When a few bacteria enter the body, they eat and grow, multiplying and releasing small amounts of the harmless communication molecules. When these molecules are at significant concentration the bacteria grab hold of them and that signals the community to change behavior, or attack.

That's when they start releasing toxins which are the source of the sore throat, runny nose, or even open sores on your "special purpose."

If they were to start releasing these toxins immediately, the human immune system would bust the door down and kick them in the throat.

But by waiting until their numbers are high enough to fend off the Federalli, they can successfully remain long enough to waste a few of your vacation days, and probably a few bucks to see the doctor and get some medicinal help.

Now scientist are working on ways to mess with the communication of bacteria.

One option is to make them silent so they become harmless, multiplying and never releasing their toxins.

The other is to make them talk all the time thus releasing their toxins while at lower concentrations making them an easy target for the troops.

It's only a matter of time before we see bacteria rights group protesting single cell freedom of speech.

For the whole story [Click Here]

Better than the pet rock

JOIN OUR POLYGAMIST CULT!

FIND OUT HOW TO GET A FREE PLASMA TV!

1 WEEK TO A LARGER SCHLONG!

WORK FROM HOME AND MAKE $15,000 A MONTH WORKING ONLY 2-3 HOURS A DAY!

When we see things like these, we immediately think scam.
It's amazing that stuff like this still makes it through all the spam filters (which are about as resilient as the proverbial wet paper bag)

There are many different ways of parting man and his money. While most are nothing less than shady, a few of them tend to take advantage of us in a way we simply cannot resist.

The pet rock was one of those, and although I never really cared for it, I can still understand how the creator Gary Dahl made all that money.

Here's another one I stumbled across recently while trying to find images of cuckoo clocks.
(somebody explain that one to me)

My first thought was, it's brilliant.

Not only is it somewhat true and pretty clever, it also has the capacity for an insane profit margin.

If only I'd thought of it. I'd no longer have to burn my house down to collect the insurance money.

THE BARRY BONDS OF TRENCHERS

If you hadn't figured it out from the title, this trenchers is most definitely on steroids. It's been crowned the biggest moving machine ever, which is quite a feat, considering it was built almost 30 years ago.


Bagger 288 as it was affectionately named, was built by the German company Krupp in 1978. Weighing in at 50,155 tons (or 100,310,329 lbs), 705 feet long and 312 feet high this behemoth is capable of moving on it s treads from one open-air mine to another without any disassembling.

With out any disassembling of the trencher that is. In 2001 it was moved across 22 km of fields, railroad crossings and, villages and countryside. Because it's unable to move around obstacles, workers had to prepare the way by piling up cushions on top of highways and train tracks, removing power lines and seeding the fields with special grass that would withstand the über–pounding that they were sure to take.

At full steam the Bagger 288 is capable of chewing 2.7 million cubic feet of coal, rock and earth per day and the occasional stray bulldozer.





If I ever get my hands on one of these, I'll definitely put an end to those infernal power-rangers.
all the specs [here]

TONS OF FUN!

Sadly, the world isn't adequately set up for obese. This callus society we live in hardly accommodates the wheelchair bound, much less those of us that are pushing 4 bills and up. I came across a collection of products / services the other day that prove that the public really does care.

Whether they care about the plus sized community or just making money. I'll leave up to you.

THE GREAT JOHN TOILET

This bloated hunk of porcelain is truly a toilet in every meaning of the word.

Don't be fooled though, This one has and extra wide base to prevent tipping (yikes) and a reinforced structure that can support up to 2,000 lbs. The seat is also designed to have 150% more surface area and side wings to prevent pinching. If you're not sure how this compaires to the standard toilets at your nearest train station, here's an Illustration. Enjoy!


BOTTOM BUDDY

Yet another Bathroom innovation, the bottom buddy, assist in doing the dirty work that, for some people, is just out of reach. Enough said.
SEAT GURU

Here's a website that'll assist you in finding the most comfortable seat on most airlines. Chose an airline, chose a plane and it'll show you which seats have the most room and which ones will recline etc. You don't have to be a big bruiser to benefit from this site.
PERSONAL AIRLINE SEATBELT EXTENDER


Avoid the embarrassment of asking the flight attendant for a seatbelt extension and bring your own. It's sure to fit most plus sized folk and it's FAA tested and approved. Should any one question it's validity, the seatbelt extender also comes with an authentication card.


15 POUND BERGER


Maybe you've given up the quest for six-pack abs and buns of steel. And why shouldn't you? (besides all the diseases and health risks associated with obesity)

To indulge your plus-sized hunger you needn't look further than Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield, Pennsylvania and their Beer Barrel Belly Blaster. It's got 10 pounds of meat formed into a 20 inch patty on a 17 inch bun. Fixings include 25 slices of cheese , a head of lettuce, and a whole lot more, for $30.

HOW BIG IS BIG ENOUGH


You'd never really know if you left it up to the scale in Grandmas bathroom. You need the Siltec Model WS1000 heavy duty electronic platform scale. Capable of weighing mammals up to a half ton, its 15 X 15 inch platform is plenty big. You won't need to be able to see your feet to see how much you weigh either, thanks to a portable display that comes equiped with state of the art hi-tensile double stick tape.

PIMP MY RIDE



Hospitals these days are stocking their halls with oversized wheelchairs. The Sentra EC Extra-Large Wheelchair has a 24 inch seat width and the capacity to hold 450 pounds of patient.

REST (COMFORTABLY) IN PEACE


There's nothing Funny about this product. Obesity is a disease and not an issue of morals or will power. Should this disease take it's toll though, there is a company that specializes in making arrangements that that can accommodate most any waistline. Goliath Casket Inc is one of the biggest dealers (no pun intended) specializing in 20-gauge steel caskets that are the size of a large Jacuzzi.

Where have all the atheletes gone?

I'm not sure who among you recall the Gatorade ads of the 80's and 90's. I sure don't. At least not this way. Does anybody else seem to find the photo's and phrases in these ads to be not just bad and corny, but also a little, I don't know, homo-erotic?

You decide.

Baked apple

What happened to Apple's quality standards? According to this ad from 1982, an Apple ][ owner form Lynn / Ohio Corporation (Has anybody aver heard of Lynn / Ohio before, or know why it would be beneficial to mention their name in an ad?) took one of the company computers home for the holidays.

I'm sure it filled the back of his Plymouth Reliant, no doubt, but either way, while he was out eating turkey his cat picked a fight with the lamp and ended up starting a fire that melted his television set and computer together.

No word on weather the cat survived, but if it did, rest assured, he probably killed it when he realized he'd be liable for the company equipment.

With a hope and a prayer (for the cat maybe?) he took the melted circuitry to the closest computer store and suprisingly it still ran. With a new case and keyboard he was back in business, although his cubicle continued to smell of burned cat hair.

Now, I love my apple devices just as much as the next guy, but if I accidentally left my iPod in the car on a hot day it might not work ever again. There's no way my iMac would survive a lick of flame.

Maybe the price we pay for these devices to work like magic and look so darn sexy, is that they aren't quite as durable as their chubby ancestors.

Fair enough.

Jenny Jones in the 14th century

I'm not really sure what this means. I can only assume that this settler was caught fornicating with a porpoise, which of curse negated their prenuptial agreement.

I always thought that Mermaids would be a little more generous and forgiving than human kind, but I guess the woman comes out in all forms of man-like creatures.

It also appears that rather than showing up with her new boyfriend (his brother) and piling her half of their marital assets in the back of his Ford Bronco, she opted to enchant them and have them merrily follow her to the Sea Condo.

How civil of her.

Those probably aren't his kids anyway.

I'm back

I know it's been a long time since I've posted. I'm sure some of you have been experimenting with steroids and train dodging in a feudal attempt to fill the void left by my absence.

Well, my friend, untie yourself from the iron rails, pull the needle out of your butt and fire up the old naked lady machine, because I'm back.

Where have I been you ask?

Here and there, I guess. I spent some time spelunking in an abandoned diamond mine near the south african town of Ngilambile which apparently means "I'm hungry" in the native language Zulu.

Here's a quick sketch I did of my guide Dashiki while we were exploring.
He kept yelling "Kumjoni Yebu!" while I was sketching which I later found out meant "Help me, man who is white like soapstone," and not "Hee, hee, that tickles," as I originally thought.

From there I went on to may other places, some of which I might explain further in a later post, but we'll save those until I'm no longer in litigation.

Are your balls big enough?

Are you ready for a new extreme sport? Yeah Right! You could never be ready for an extreme sport this…well…extreme. This sport is so bad-ass it makes sky diving, skateboarding and mountain climbing seem as exciting and dangerous as balloon sculpting. If you're one of those "down for whatever," "living on the edge," kind of guys, you need to try out this psycho-crazy sport. But do you have big enough balls for "Extreme Hammocking?"


This guy's pulling off a tight "crounched-eagle-backflip."




Here's a classic "Lazybones" over the clinic stairs. He's definitely trespassing!




Here comes Johnny Law! Better bolt dude!




If you're thinking about trying out your wicked skills, don't try this! This guy's a pro. He's attempting one of the hardest tricks known only as "Bloody Rails."




Can you say AIR? This guy's tearing up the streets. Have you ever seen a skateboarder do any trick with 35 ft of air?




This Bro is totally wreck'in the bridge with an "Inverted Sleepy Camper!"

Another Amphibious car

What is the world coming to? Not only is there a company making busses and cars that can drive in water, but there is actually competition for your business as potential water–car buyers. This is a video from yet another amphibious car company. More info at watercar.com

Beggars can be choosers.

The last few mornings as I ride into work on the bus I've noticed a popular place for beggars to hang out. I also noticed that it's rarely the same guy as the day before.

That got me pondering the social etiquette of the bum. Or maybe it would be business ethics of the bum. Either way, the questions started invading my head like ants when you leave a half eaten pizza on the couch all weekend.

So how do they decide who gets which spot to beg for the day? I assume it's a first come first serve type of deal, but there has to be some competition for the prime locations. What happens if two bums get there at the same time? Do they play rock–paper–scissors? Best 2 out of 3? Maybe there's a sign up list under the Mississippi river bridge.

To keep the homeless guys from making each other toothless too, we as a society should put together a code or statute to govern these affairs.

Here's what I propose:

1. All locations will be assessed for their profitability and given a rank according to average daily earnings.
Tier 1: $0–$2.35
Tier 2: $2.35–$5.35
Tier 3: $5.35 and up
2. All locations will be given a number and a lottery draw system will be established.
3. No Bum can have a tier 3 location more than 2 days in a row.
4. Bums must pay an 18% tax on all earnings and 65% tax on all earnings above the daily average for that location to pay for the administrative positions needed to run such a system.

The daddle

With fathers day just around the corner excitement is in the air. So what does every father want on this joyous occasion?
To be ridden like Dusty the wild stag.


Enter the Daddle–a "Saddle for Dad." Complete with adjustable stirrups and soft padded saddle horn for little Jimmy's comfort. And for Dad's comfort there's little more than some flimsy knee pads (they call them horse shoes for humans) that are sold separately.

Sold for just under $50, this is sure to catch on with rich little brats who already control their parents in every way and now seek to physically dominate them.

Available at www.cashelcompany.com.
Also make sure to check out their Bedroom Slippers for horses. Apparently horses hooves get cold when they get out of bed in the morning too.

The Magic School Bus– almost

No visit to the Great Lakes Aquarium could be complete without driving through one of them on your way there. Before the HYDRA-TERRA made by Cool Amphibious Manufacturers International (CAMI), doing so usually resulted in having to drag the harbor for bodies.

This boat… er… bus could even be used for search and rescue of the aforementioned field trip participants.

They've mastered water. Now they have to find a way to make it travel into the human body and around the bloodstream.
I think I should start a business providing a place for people to take magic bus tours.

I could charge them at least five dollars to drive around in my sinuses. Then if that goes well I could expand and open my stomach and even my lower digestive system to those curious grade schoolers. Maybe make a nice picnic area for the kids in my pituitary gland.

I've heard the real money is in the merchandise, so I guess I'd have to open a gift shop in my belly button, as soon as it heals. But we'll see how things go.

The reproductive system is definitely off limits though. That's just sick.